Monday, 23 June 2014
Monday, 16 June 2014
Wednesday, 11 June 2014
Friday, 6 June 2014
NORTHERN AFGHANISTAN: Less than 24 hours after the controversial prisoner swap between the US government and the Taliban, leaders of the militant group have announced that they would be happy to return all five Taliban leaders in exchange for Hollywood starlet Jennifer Lawrence. “We feel this is a fair deal that should appeal to Obama,” a leader of the Afghan Taliban told Al Jazeera. “Ok, we’ll throw in another three militants.”
It is not the first time that the mujahedins express their love and respect for Hollywood stars. Back in the 80s in fact, they had fought side by side with John Rambo against the evil Russians. The love is apparently mutual, as the final credits of Rambo III remind us.
|Final credits of Rambo III|
Friday, 30 May 2014
Tuesday, 27 May 2014
ABU DHABI: UAE security forces have launched a massive ‘ring of steel’ security operation to stop irritating side kick, Jar Jar Binks, from reaching the new Star War film set.
“It would be a disaster for all humanity if this deeply annoying, demographic-driven and utterly vacuous irritant, who was only included in the ‘Phantom Menace’ to appeal to under-7s, were to make it into the next Star Wars franchise,” said Abu Dhabi police commander, Lt. Khalid Al Hosseni.
“The reputation of the armed forces is at stake,” he said. “Binks’ high-pitched, cloyingly ‘humorous’ antics will not be tolerated for the months that Star Wars is filming here,” he said.
Binks, described as 172cm tall and from the Gungan tribe, was last seen on the perimeter fence of the set in the Western Region of the Abu Dhabi desert, swigging from a bottle and arguing with security guards that he should be allowed to speak to George Lucas.
“Imma have a rap with George Lucas, know what I’m saying Bro?” he said, in a deeply annoying and racial offensive take on Caribbean American speech patterns for which he has become globally despised.
Binks, consistently voted the most tedious film character of all time, later returned to his hotel room in Abu Dhabi to sell junk bonds to Florida retirees over the phone.
“Imma only do phone sales part time,” he told our reporter. “Imma be a star again, know what I’m sayin’?” he added.
(Official Source: The Pan-Arabia Enquirer)
Thursday, 22 May 2014
Monday, 5 May 2014
Israel calls for military strikes against hot Lebanese women after George Clooney proposes to girlfriend
|Unprovoked Act of Terror|
Groups across Israel were this morning calling for international condemnation and possible military action against hot Lebanese women following reports that George Clooney had proposed to his girlfriend Amal Alamuddin.
The Batman & Robin star, who only last year claimed to have had no marriage aspirations, is believed to have been showing off an engagement ring with the Beirut-born barrister over the weekend, provoking a wave of anger from fans across Israel.
“We cannot allow the world to sit idly by in the face of this unprovoked act of terror,” said Lydia Cohen of the Tel Aviv George Clooney Appreciation Society. Cohen, echoing a call being heard across Israel, is now urging for military strikes against all attractive single Lebanese women to prevent such a situation from arising again.
“These terror cells need to be dealt with swiftly before they have time to ensnare more Hollywood heartthrobs,” she added. Meanwhile, many groups expressed concern that Clooney, already considered to harbour liberal views, will have been corrupted further by Alamuddin, who will likely seek to influence the Confessions of a Dangerous Mind actor’s future cinematic choices.
“I mean, she’s a human rights lawyer, for god’s sake,” said Hayley Azgad, founder of the IDF Women Totes Adorbs Clooney Facebook page, which currently boasts over 5,300 followers.
“Clearly she’s already been feeding poor George lies and we’re no doubt going to be seeing him suddenly involved in a load of bleeding heart nonsense about settlements, injustice or other pro-Palestinian mumbo-jumbo. The great anti-Semitic takeover of Hollywood has begun.”
Israeli fears appear to have been justified this morning with the news that Clooney is now favourite to take the lead in upcoming Middle East rom-com, You Had Me At Jihad.
(source: The Pan Arabia Enquirer, @arabiaenquirer)
Saturday, 3 May 2014
Thursday, 13 March 2014
“I, too, overflow; my desires have invented new desires, my body knows unheard-of songs. Time and again I, too, have felt so full of luminous torrents that I could burst-burst with forms much more beautiful than those which are put up in frames and sold for a fortune. Who, feeling a funny desire stirring inside her (to sing, to write, to dare to speak, in short, to bring out something new), hasn't thought that she was sick? Well, her shameful sickness is that she resists death, that she makes trouble.”
- Hélène Cixous